I had a whole lot of fun writing this; I'm not sure if the ending was quite what OP had in mind, but I did use some of the lines you suggested because they were too good to pass up. I hope this at least somewhat appeases! --- “So what about you, Graves?”
Graves, who had been lending half his attention to the conversation going on in the office over lunch break and half to a file in his lap, looked across the room at the auror who had spoken. “What about me, Gonzales?”
“We’ve just established that I managed to set up both Starling and Evans with successful dates,” Starling looked rather like he wanted to contest the statement, but Gonzales never gave him the chance, “But what about you? No one’s ever mentioned setting you up on a date.”
“For numerous, excellent reasons.” Graves replied, taking a bite of his sandwich and returning most of his attention to his file. If he was going to socialize during lunch, he was at least going to multitask.
Gonzales was not placated by Graves’ answer, however. “I think it’s because people are too afraid of the challenge.” Gonzales gestured vaguely at his boss with the half-eaten apple in his hand, “But I’m sure we could find someone suitable for you if we looked.”
“I’m not stupid enough to date someone I work with.” Graves didn’t even look up from his file to respond, “And you don’t count, Aster, you got married before your husband got a job in transport.”
An auror sitting off to the edge of the group, who had just been about to protest Graves’ comment as her husband did, indeed, work in the transportation department, settled back into her seat. She shot Graves a dirty look nonetheless, though he paid her no mind.
“Well how do you figure I’m going to set you up with someone from around MACUSA, anyway?” Gonzales sniffed.
“You’re not going to set me up with anyone,” Graves asserted, “But I know you were going to try to set me up with Alvar from curse breaking because you were talking about it this morning.”
“Well maybe I was talking about a different Graves.” Gonzales replied, taking another vicious bite of apple.
Graves finally looked back up from his file, one eyebrow raised. “Right. Because there are so many other ‘hard-ass bosses’ with the name Graves in this building.”
Gonzales nearly inhaled his apple as a smattering of chuckles crossed the office. “Well I mean that in the best possible way, sir.” Gonzales rasped once he’d managed to clear his airway.
Graves only shrugged. “I can live with being a hard-ass if it means you all get your work done.” He looked back to Gonzales a final time before looking back to his report, “At least as well as you can live with being known as the meddling bastard who won’t stay out of people’s personal lives.”
Grinning unrepentantly, Gonzales shook his head. “What’s so wrong with Alvar, anyhow? Handsome guy, decent enough fellow, seems like the type who wouldn’t cower if you started yelling at him.”
Graves didn’t even bother touching on the subject of why everyone seemed to think he was only capable of communicating by yelling.
“There’s nothing wrong with Alvar, so far as I can tell. He does his job well and that’s all I really care about.” Graves replied, “I’m not going to be going on a date with anyone.”
“What about Betty, from accounts?” Aster piped up, something vicious in the smile she threw her boss.
Gonzales looked back at Aster, leveling the woman with an unimpressed look. “Betty from accounts. Really?”
“Really. She punched a guy out in the cafeteria yesterday because he grabbed her ass,” Aster imparted this information with glee, “He went down cold. Betty’s a girl who won’t take anybody’s shit. Not even Graves’.”
“How ‘bout it, Boss?” Gonzales looked back to Graves, “Think Betty from accounting is more to your taste than Alvar from curse breaking?”
“I will not be going on a date with Betty, or with Alvar, or with whoever else you pull out of your ass.” Graves announced, the beginnings of irritation slipping into his voice, “I will not be going on any dates, period.”
“Oh, c’mon, Graves. I know you like your privacy, but you can’t be alone forever. Give me a good reason you can’t go one measly date.” Gonzales wheedled, completely ignoring the warning looks the other aurors were sending his way.
Graves fixed Gonzales with a look, as if weighing his options, before he spoke again. “I don’t find infidelity to be an attractive quality in a marriage. Is that reason enough for you?”
Gonzales looked affronted. “I’m not going to set you up with anyone married! What do you take me for?”
Graves sighed, allowing his head to fall back against his chair. “I’m married, Gonzales.”
“Oh, come on! Being married to your job doesn’t count.” Gonzales snorted.
The rest of the office, at this point, seemed to be waiting to see how deep Gonzales could dig his hole before their boss actually put him out of his misery.
“I’m not married to my job, I’m married to a man. We’ve been married for almost two years and I happen to be very taken with him still, so I will not be going on any dates.” Graves snapped.
The office was silent. Not even Gonzales could think of anything to say. Finally, Starling cleared his throat. “If you’re married… wouldn’t you go on dates with your husband?” He asked quietly.
“Okay,” Graves shut the file in his lap and tossed the remains of his sandwich in the trash, standing from the chair he’d claimed at the edge of the room, “Disturbing though your preoccupation with my social life is, I do… appreciate the… concern. But now that we’ve settled I don’t need a date, I think we can all go back to work. Lunch break is over.”
Graves did not sound like he appreciated the concern much at all, but no one dared to point that out as they hurried back to their desks.
-/-/-
If there was one thing that might convince Tina Goldstein that her sister was right and that she was spending too much time at work and that she wasn’t getting enough sleep, it was walking past Percival Graves’ office and thinking that she’d seen the man smiling.
Not that tight smile he wore when he welcomed new recruits to the office that was generally unsettling, or that sharp grin that held the promise of terrible things for whoever was on the receiving end of it, but an honest to fucking Merlin happy smile.
Her previous destination and her self-preservation instincts both forgotten, Tina backtracked until she was standing at the open door of her boss’s office and was able to stare inside. It was either a very persistent hallucination, or Graves really was sitting at his desk and smiling fondly down at the paper in his hands. It was- it really was a rather attractive expression on him, despite being so out of place Tina almost didn’t recognize the man. The smile disappeared, however, the moment Graves caught sight of Tina gawking in the doorway. “Help you with something, Goldstein?” Graves asked, dropping the paper on his desk.
“Oh, uh- no, sorry, sir. I just…” Tina cleared her throat, “You were smiling.”
Graves gave Tina a rather flat look. “I was unaware smiling had become an offense. I do try to keep up on recent laws, but I must have missed that one.”
Tina shook her head quickly. “No, I just mean, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that,” Tina paused, seemed to think better of her statement, and quickly tacked on: “At your paperwork. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile at your paperwork. Like that.”
Though Graves obviously saw through Tina’s hasty amendment, he let it slide all the same. “As it happens, I wasn’t smiling at my paperwork, Goldstein.” Looking down to busy his hands with some of the files on his desk as he continued speaking, “I just received a quick letter from Newt, is all.”
Tina blinked. Maybe one of them was losing their minds, after all. “Sorry, you got a letter from a newt?”
Graves stifled a sigh. “Not a newt. My husband, Newt.”
Ah yes, Tina had heard about that conversation; she’d been out on assignment at the time, but the office had been buzzing by the time she got back, everyone whispering quietly about how Graves had declared he was married just to get out of a blind date. Tina wasn’t sure whether she believed Graves had made it all up- but if he had, he could have at least come up with a better name. Which was something Tina would absolutely not say to Graves’ face, and it was with utter horror that she listened to her mouth run without her permission anyway. “Newt? Really? Mr. Graves, that doesn’t even sound like a real name.”
Oh, what Tina wouldn’t give for a time turner. But the words were already out, and Graves was only staring at her. Tina resisted the urge to fidget with every fiber of her being.
Finally, Graves put his hand up to his chin, one finger extended to tap his cheek contemplatively. “And I suppose you’d be the authority on what a real name sounds like, Goldstein?”
“Ah… no, sir, I… no. I suppose I only thought maybe “Newt Graves” didn’t quite roll off the tongue?” Tina barely contained a wince as the words left her mouth, as if insulting her boss’s made-up-or-maybe-not husband’s full name was better than insulting just his first name.
“He didn’t take my last name.” Graves replied after a moment.
“Oh.”
“But tell me, Porpentina, what does a real name sound like?” Graves asked, finger still tapping idly at the side of his face.
Tina cleared her throat, wondering if her face was quite as red as it felt. “Perhaps I should be getting back to my work, sir.” She muttered, glancing almost longingly down the hall.
“Perhaps.” Graves nodded.
Tina took the nod for the dismissal it was and made for her desk, putting very concentrated effort into not running as she went.
-/-/-
In the following weeks, a few of the braver aurors—or possibly the stupider ones, no one had quite decided—would venture questions about their boss’s supposed spouse, all to be shut down with quick and uninformative answers.
“Where did you meet?”
“New York.”
“How come no one knows you’re married?”
“We had the ceremony in England.”
“Is it a secret?”
“If it is, it’s now a very poorly-kept one.”
“Why don’t you wear a ring?”
“Most married aurors don’t wear rings, they get in the way. Pay attention.”
The only person who managed to engage Graves in a conversation longer than two lines about his husband was, perhaps unsurprisingly, ever-nosy Gonzales. “So do we ever get to meet this mysterious husband of yours?” The auror asked one afternoon when Graves stepped into the main office for a cup of coffee.
“It remains an unfortunate possibility.” Graves admitted.
“Well how come we’ve never seen him before?”
“He travels. Extensively.”
“Travels?” Gonzales pulled a thoughtful frown, “What for?”
“Work.” Graves shot a look at Gonzales, “Which is exactly what you’re supposed to be doing right now.”
“Working or traveling?” Gonzales smirked over at Graves.
Graves returned the smirk with a rather vicious edge. “Working. I expect your report on this morning’s incident on my desk within an hour.”
Any traces of smugness dropped from Gonzales’ face. “Wait, you mean… an hour like the next hour?”
“Fifty nine minutes now, Gonzales.” Graves replied, taking his coffee and returning to his office as Gonzales swore and scrambled for a quill.
Cases came and went and in the everyday hustle and bustle of the office, interest in whether or not Graves was telling the truth about being married waned slightly. It was something at the back of everyone’s minds—and no one was sure if it was a stranger possibility that their boss was pulling a long con on them or that he was actually married—but it passed from a hot topic to a vague acknowledgement until the day a bowtruckle was confiscated off of someone.
Fill: In Phony Matrimony 1/3 [Graves/Newt, no warnings]
---
“So what about you, Graves?”
Graves, who had been lending half his attention to the conversation going on in the office over lunch break and half to a file in his lap, looked across the room at the auror who had spoken. “What about me, Gonzales?”
“We’ve just established that I managed to set up both Starling and Evans with successful dates,” Starling looked rather like he wanted to contest the statement, but Gonzales never gave him the chance, “But what about you? No one’s ever mentioned setting you up on a date.”
“For numerous, excellent reasons.” Graves replied, taking a bite of his sandwich and returning most of his attention to his file. If he was going to socialize during lunch, he was at least going to multitask.
Gonzales was not placated by Graves’ answer, however. “I think it’s because people are too afraid of the challenge.” Gonzales gestured vaguely at his boss with the half-eaten apple in his hand, “But I’m sure we could find someone suitable for you if we looked.”
“I’m not stupid enough to date someone I work with.” Graves didn’t even look up from his file to respond, “And you don’t count, Aster, you got married before your husband got a job in transport.”
An auror sitting off to the edge of the group, who had just been about to protest Graves’ comment as her husband did, indeed, work in the transportation department, settled back into her seat. She shot Graves a dirty look nonetheless, though he paid her no mind.
“Well how do you figure I’m going to set you up with someone from around MACUSA, anyway?” Gonzales sniffed.
“You’re not going to set me up with anyone,” Graves asserted, “But I know you were going to try to set me up with Alvar from curse breaking because you were talking about it this morning.”
“Well maybe I was talking about a different Graves.” Gonzales replied, taking another vicious bite of apple.
Graves finally looked back up from his file, one eyebrow raised. “Right. Because there are so many other ‘hard-ass bosses’ with the name Graves in this building.”
Gonzales nearly inhaled his apple as a smattering of chuckles crossed the office. “Well I mean that in the best possible way, sir.” Gonzales rasped once he’d managed to clear his airway.
Graves only shrugged. “I can live with being a hard-ass if it means you all get your work done.” He looked back to Gonzales a final time before looking back to his report, “At least as well as you can live with being known as the meddling bastard who won’t stay out of people’s personal lives.”
Grinning unrepentantly, Gonzales shook his head. “What’s so wrong with Alvar, anyhow? Handsome guy, decent enough fellow, seems like the type who wouldn’t cower if you started yelling at him.”
Graves didn’t even bother touching on the subject of why everyone seemed to think he was only capable of communicating by yelling.
“There’s nothing wrong with Alvar, so far as I can tell. He does his job well and that’s all I really care about.” Graves replied, “I’m not going to be going on a date with anyone.”
“What about Betty, from accounts?” Aster piped up, something vicious in the smile she threw her boss.
Gonzales looked back at Aster, leveling the woman with an unimpressed look. “Betty from accounts. Really?”
“Really. She punched a guy out in the cafeteria yesterday because he grabbed her ass,” Aster imparted this information with glee, “He went down cold. Betty’s a girl who won’t take anybody’s shit. Not even Graves’.”
“How ‘bout it, Boss?” Gonzales looked back to Graves, “Think Betty from accounting is more to your taste than Alvar from curse breaking?”
“I will not be going on a date with Betty, or with Alvar, or with whoever else you pull out of your ass.” Graves announced, the beginnings of irritation slipping into his voice, “I will not be going on any dates, period.”
“Oh, c’mon, Graves. I know you like your privacy, but you can’t be alone forever. Give me a good reason you can’t go one measly date.” Gonzales wheedled, completely ignoring the warning looks the other aurors were sending his way.
Graves fixed Gonzales with a look, as if weighing his options, before he spoke again. “I don’t find infidelity to be an attractive quality in a marriage. Is that reason enough for you?”
Gonzales looked affronted. “I’m not going to set you up with anyone married! What do you take me for?”
Graves sighed, allowing his head to fall back against his chair. “I’m married, Gonzales.”
“Oh, come on! Being married to your job doesn’t count.” Gonzales snorted.
The rest of the office, at this point, seemed to be waiting to see how deep Gonzales could dig his hole before their boss actually put him out of his misery.
“I’m not married to my job, I’m married to a man. We’ve been married for almost two years and I happen to be very taken with him still, so I will not be going on any dates.” Graves snapped.
The office was silent. Not even Gonzales could think of anything to say. Finally, Starling cleared his throat. “If you’re married… wouldn’t you go on dates with your husband?” He asked quietly.
“Okay,” Graves shut the file in his lap and tossed the remains of his sandwich in the trash, standing from the chair he’d claimed at the edge of the room, “Disturbing though your preoccupation with my social life is, I do… appreciate the… concern. But now that we’ve settled I don’t need a date, I think we can all go back to work. Lunch break is over.”
Graves did not sound like he appreciated the concern much at all, but no one dared to point that out as they hurried back to their desks.
-/-/-
If there was one thing that might convince Tina Goldstein that her sister was right and that she was spending too much time at work and that she wasn’t getting enough sleep, it was walking past Percival Graves’ office and thinking that she’d seen the man smiling.
Not that tight smile he wore when he welcomed new recruits to the office that was generally unsettling, or that sharp grin that held the promise of terrible things for whoever was on the receiving end of it, but an honest to fucking Merlin happy smile.
Her previous destination and her self-preservation instincts both forgotten, Tina backtracked until she was standing at the open door of her boss’s office and was able to stare inside. It was either a very persistent hallucination, or Graves really was sitting at his desk and smiling fondly down at the paper in his hands. It was- it really was a rather attractive expression on him, despite being so out of place Tina almost didn’t recognize the man. The smile disappeared, however, the moment Graves caught sight of Tina gawking in the doorway. “Help you with something, Goldstein?” Graves asked, dropping the paper on his desk.
“Oh, uh- no, sorry, sir. I just…” Tina cleared her throat, “You were smiling.”
Graves gave Tina a rather flat look. “I was unaware smiling had become an offense. I do try to keep up on recent laws, but I must have missed that one.”
Tina shook her head quickly. “No, I just mean, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that,” Tina paused, seemed to think better of her statement, and quickly tacked on: “At your paperwork. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile at your paperwork. Like that.”
Though Graves obviously saw through Tina’s hasty amendment, he let it slide all the same. “As it happens, I wasn’t smiling at my paperwork, Goldstein.” Looking down to busy his hands with some of the files on his desk as he continued speaking, “I just received a quick letter from Newt, is all.”
Tina blinked. Maybe one of them was losing their minds, after all. “Sorry, you got a letter from a newt?”
Graves stifled a sigh. “Not a newt. My husband, Newt.”
Ah yes, Tina had heard about that conversation; she’d been out on assignment at the time, but the office had been buzzing by the time she got back, everyone whispering quietly about how Graves had declared he was married just to get out of a blind date. Tina wasn’t sure whether she believed Graves had made it all up- but if he had, he could have at least come up with a better name. Which was something Tina would absolutely not say to Graves’ face, and it was with utter horror that she listened to her mouth run without her permission anyway. “Newt? Really? Mr. Graves, that doesn’t even sound like a real name.”
Oh, what Tina wouldn’t give for a time turner. But the words were already out, and Graves was only staring at her. Tina resisted the urge to fidget with every fiber of her being.
Finally, Graves put his hand up to his chin, one finger extended to tap his cheek contemplatively. “And I suppose you’d be the authority on what a real name sounds like, Goldstein?”
“Ah… no, sir, I… no. I suppose I only thought maybe “Newt Graves” didn’t quite roll off the tongue?” Tina barely contained a wince as the words left her mouth, as if insulting her boss’s made-up-or-maybe-not husband’s full name was better than insulting just his first name.
“He didn’t take my last name.” Graves replied after a moment.
“Oh.”
“But tell me, Porpentina, what does a real name sound like?” Graves asked, finger still tapping idly at the side of his face.
Tina cleared her throat, wondering if her face was quite as red as it felt. “Perhaps I should be getting back to my work, sir.” She muttered, glancing almost longingly down the hall.
“Perhaps.” Graves nodded.
Tina took the nod for the dismissal it was and made for her desk, putting very concentrated effort into not running as she went.
-/-/-
In the following weeks, a few of the braver aurors—or possibly the stupider ones, no one had quite decided—would venture questions about their boss’s supposed spouse, all to be shut down with quick and uninformative answers.
“Where did you meet?”
“New York.”
“How come no one knows you’re married?”
“We had the ceremony in England.”
“Is it a secret?”
“If it is, it’s now a very poorly-kept one.”
“Why don’t you wear a ring?”
“Most married aurors don’t wear rings, they get in the way. Pay attention.”
The only person who managed to engage Graves in a conversation longer than two lines about his husband was, perhaps unsurprisingly, ever-nosy Gonzales. “So do we ever get to meet this mysterious husband of yours?”
The auror asked one afternoon when Graves stepped into the main office for a cup of coffee.
“It remains an unfortunate possibility.” Graves admitted.
“Well how come we’ve never seen him before?”
“He travels. Extensively.”
“Travels?” Gonzales pulled a thoughtful frown, “What for?”
“Work.” Graves shot a look at Gonzales, “Which is exactly what you’re supposed to be doing right now.”
“Working or traveling?” Gonzales smirked over at Graves.
Graves returned the smirk with a rather vicious edge. “Working. I expect your report on this morning’s incident on my desk within an hour.”
Any traces of smugness dropped from Gonzales’ face. “Wait, you mean… an hour like the next hour?”
“Fifty nine minutes now, Gonzales.” Graves replied, taking his coffee and returning to his office as Gonzales swore and scrambled for a quill.
Cases came and went and in the everyday hustle and bustle of the office, interest in whether or not Graves was telling the truth about being married waned slightly. It was something at the back of everyone’s minds—and no one was sure if it was a stranger possibility that their boss was pulling a long con on them or that he was actually married—but it passed from a hot topic to a vague acknowledgement until the day a bowtruckle was confiscated off of someone.